| What do nuclear waste and corn dogs have in common? Both can be considered toxic to your well-being.
Of course, the average Calgarian is relatively safe from nuclear waste, but the humble corn dog, along with other batter-covered delicacies, seduce hungry folks at about this time every year thanks to The Greatest Outdoor Show on Earth.
But after speaking to Tanya Grierson, healthy living consultant for the Calgary Health Region (CHR), there is more than hot dogs and "those little donuts" to worry about when you’re out Stampeding.
"Our message is moderation," says Grierson, a committed vegetarian and content Stampeder. "If you’re going to Stampede, try eating before you go."
As I hear those words, I am struck by the irony of a tofu-eating social worker dispensing advice to people who at this moment are overcome by events that lead to something closer to temporary insanity. What is annoyingly referred to over and over again as "The Mardi Gras of the North" is in fact a collective blackout for many of the million or so people who pass through the turnstiles of the Stampede grounds.
Moderation is not in the vocabulary of the most hardcore aficionados of Stampede. While many gather for bustin’ broncos and showbands, still others are committed to the search for bad food, cold beer and no-strings-attached sex.
Stampede could more accurately be described as Caligula’s last stand, with a nod to the famous Roman emperor who had a penchant for food, horses and orgies – not necessarily in that order.
That’s why when surveying the entire Stampede landscape, food with a little batter on it is not really Grierson’s chief concern.
"If you’re going to indulge, do it in moderation," she says. "If it’s a once-in-a-year indulgence, enjoy it."
With tacit permission to feast on the now much-maligned corn dog, I am feeling better about this consultant of health. But this is just a warm-up for what’s really on the mind of a woman who, as part of her duties at the CHR, comes up with public policy on ways to protect us from ourselves.
"Our key messaging," she says (social workers talk like this), "is buckle up and arrive sober."
Although she’s talking about drinking and driving, the same "messaging" could also be applied to sex. According to Grierson, Stampede is a time when the inhibitions drop along with the Wranglers. Alcohol, according to the CHR, is sparking up a Stampede sideshow that you’ll never see included as part of the grandstand performances.
"Use a condom every time you have sex," she says in a no-nonsense, seen-it-all tone of voice.
It seems the "keep the horse in the stall" message is falling on deaf ears when it comes to some Stampeders. Grierson says the proverbial thrill of a roll in the hay with a cowboy or cowgirl (even one that works in an oil company) pales when compared with the nasty bugs that can be picked up in between line dancing at your favourite cabaret.
Chlamydia, syphilis and, of course, HIV/AIDS should be enough to scare off any quickie, but apparently not – STDs such as chlamydia are prevalent among Calgary’s teen and young adult population.
And if all this sensible advice about the dangers of creepy crawlies, fatty food and hangovers doesn’t put you off 10 days and nights of Stampede, then Grierson urges you to remember one thing.
"We encourage people to drink 100 per cent fruit juice or water," she says. "It’s a stress-buster."
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