>>PREVIEW
WHITE COWBELL OKLAHOMA
Saturday, May 27
The Hifi
Reality is a real drag. In fact, honorary member of Toronto’s White Cowbell Oklahoma, Lily Tomlin, said it best, "Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs." Replace "drugs" with "White Cowbell Oklahoma" and you’re on the road to understanding the complete absurdity and mayhem that is this nine member rock ’n’ roll debacle.
If God is in the details, then White Cowbell Oklahoma are indeed devil spawned. Abstractions such as band member numbers, biography and geography are nothing more than vessels for elaborate stories and embellished adventures. Just try and get a straight answer out of lead instigator and all around manic man Clem and you will find out that there is no truth – nothing within the tangled web of lies and half-truths that Clem spins like a cackling cracked-out hag than sin, filth and degradation and balls out rock ’n’ roll.
So exactly who is White Cowbell Oklahoma? Sources speculate that band member Chainsaw Charlie came on board the rock ’n’ roll wagon of audacity somewhere on a dark, deserted Rocky Mountain road after the band drove their van off a cliff while shooting moose. Lucky for White Cowbell Oklahoma, the mountain man known as Chainsaw Charlie hacked through the burning wreckage to save the band and ask for a smoke. Another story circulating outlines how the band got together through once again crashing their van into a music store, pillaging the place and going on the road.
The last time Clem checked, there were 972 members of their self- proclaimed Boogie Woogie Rhythm and Blues Rock ’n’ Roll Experience. Perhaps you’ve heard of the Illuminati? Not the band, Dod damn it. According to Clem they own them along with the Freemasons and Greenland. Between acquiring mind control technology from the Russians and cloning pornographic actresses for their own entertainment in a mountain laboratory somewhere in the Andes, White Cowbell have finished recording their latest offering of Southern style rock infamy Casa Diabloa, the followup to their 2003 release Cencerro Blanco. You can also expect their DVD, Marauding the Sea of Fuck to not be in any stores near you based on questionable content. Clem insists that people will easily be able to get their hands on their very own copy, but when it comes to experiencing White Cowbell Oklahoma, it’s best done live. And make sure to leave your inhibitions at home.
"White Cowbell Oklahoma will be hitting Calgary like a neutron bomb of rock ’n’ roll perfection and people will be taking off their clothes just from the heat," promises Clem. "They will be taking their clothes off overwhelmed by sinful thinking. We will control your mind. We will get you getting down in a rock and roll boogie woogie snake pit and you’re gonna wake up with someone you don’t know. You’re gonna wake up in Lethbridge with a naked Mormon beside you."
Oh dear Lord save us from White Cowbell Oklahoma, but according to Clem, they’re the ones doing the saving – particularly in Saskatchewan.
"I’ll tell you the problem with Saskatchewan," laments Clem. "No strip bars! God damn! What’s wrong with those people? What kind of civilized society do they live in? It’s not civilization! It’s anti-civilization! It is antiquated. We try to bring a little debauchery across that provincial line for those people because we know they deserve better."
Uh huh. Lock up your daughters, mothers, sisters, girlfriends and any other female you care about because once White Cowbell Oklahoma rolls into town, there’s no telling which way the wind will blow.
"You will drink unparalleled amounts of alcohol and maybe do other substances that you wouldn’t normally do," prophesizes Clem. "A White Cowbell Oklahoma show is always a different experience. We let the audience lose their own shit. If they get on stage and they wanna get naked, it’s up to them. If a gal gets on stage and she decides today is the day for her to be a star, and show the world what she’s got, we ain’t gonna say no."
Dear Lord, it’s me again. Please save us from White Cowbell Oklahoma. I promise to be good.
Amen. |
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