FFWDWeekly.com - November 2, 2006

Is there a term for people who share these fetishes: boots and people who love to hear other people have sex? Hearing a woman have sex is a complete turn-on for me, yet I’ve never met anyone who shares that fetish… yet anyway.

Do the boots and the listening to people have sex have to happen at the same time? Cause if that’s the case then no, there’s no term for it. Retifism (named after a kinky 18th century French novelist named Nicolas-Edme Rétif) is the term for boot and shoe fetishism (sorry, boots don’t get their own term). Not limited to humans, according to The Encyclopedia of Unusual Sex Practices, there was a case of a chimpanzee that was raised in captivity and developed a boot fetish. He would masturbate by rubbing on the boot of the caretaker.

As for getting off on the sound of people having sex, well, that’s a pretty common side effect so unless you absolutely have to hear a woman (preferably, I presume, wearing boots) having sex to get off, I doubt that one qualifies as a fetish. However, if the woman is on the other side of the doorway and doesn’t know you’re listening and you get off (sort of like acoustic voyeurism), that’s called ecouterism. Going the other way, agrezophilia refers to those who get off knowing others can hear them while an acousticophile gets off on sounds in general, be they sexual or not (apparently middle C on a piano, for example can get people pretty randy). All of which makes you, I dunno, a retecoutercoustophile?

Anyway, while you may not find someone who enjoys both your fetishes as you do, you might be able to find a gal who’ll wear her boots to bed and kick up a fuss while you do it. In the meantime, toss in a porno, face the TV towards the wall and head over to bootlovers.com for some visuals. Or if rubbers are more your thing, try rubberbootsex.com.

I just noticed that over the years my labia and the surrounding area have become darker. I'm Asian so my genitalia were never exactly pink, but now it’s a light shade of brown. Is there any way to make genitalia lighter?

The length, size and coloration of the vulva (the name for the whole external kit) vary from woman to woman. It may appear pinkish, purplish, or brown depending upon your own skin colouring. Like nipples, the vulva can change colour as women (of all races) age. There are products available to lighten the skin but most of them contain hydroquinone, which can cause skin peeling and has been banned in the U.K. so you don’t want to be slathering that on your bits. Like I always say, female genitalia are like snowflakes — no two are alike. And just as the colour of our eyes, our hair and our skin makes us unique, the colour and look of your vulva is unique to you and you alone. And, these days, when it comes to vulvas, unique is where it’s at. Don’t believe me? Read on.

I think I have larger-than-normal labia majora. I'm newly single and a little hesitant to test the waters with new guys because I'm afraid they might think it's gross. My previous boyfriend didn't really say anything about it, but I never came right out and asked him what he thought.

According to the website sexylabia.com, it’s "becoming hip to be a woman with big, sexy labia." The site claims to "mark the end of labia shame and the beginning of an age where you as a woman can also be proud to be ‘endowed.’" Alongside some large-labia positive articles, the site has some hot pics of meaty labia that might make you feel better.

But before I start getting too many letters from women now worried their labia are too small, let’s not allow ourselves to get into a size and shape tizzy like the boys, shall we ladies?

It doesn’t help when most of the other vulvas we see are the perky, pink pussies of porn (unlike the boys, it’s a little hard on the neck craning to check out the other ladies’ vulvas in the locker room). But, rest assured, as I mentioned earlier, women’s genitals come in all shapes, colours, textures, and sizes.

As for guy’s reactions, "My, what big labia you have," isn’t exactly gonna land him a return invite so most guys aren’t going to say anything if you’re not his particular ideal (though he’s obviously not very hip if it isn’t). But rather than worrying about how guys are gonna react, why not work on your labia pride. After all, in some cultures, women with large inner labia are considered so attractive less endowed women work on making their own larger.