Tomb

While it goes without saying that we live in a country where people spend the winter complaining about the cold and looking forward to summer, we also do a whole lot of bitching if our precious window, our short season of sunny, hedonistic days, isn’t absolutely perfect. Here are the top 10 suckiest things about summer.

10. Cheap lawn chairs: At $7, it was a steal. It looked decent, unfolded just fine and, most importantly, was easy on the wallet. But when you sit down after mixing yourself a cool afternoon drink and it snaps in two, taking you down and spilling your mojito all over, you’ll wish you hadn’t gone budget on seating.

9. Back sweat: If it’s yours, it’s bad enough. When it’s someone else’s, that’s next level suck. And you know there are numerous occasions over the summer months — leaving a sports game, in line at a sticky, hot bank, in the crowd at a festival — where you’ll unknowingly stumble into, and accidentally lay your cheek on, a drenched back.

8: Smoke in the eyes: Contrary to popular belief, the saying “I hate white rabbits” doesn’t make campfire smoke steer clear of you — all it does is make you look like an idiot for saying it. We’ve all tried it at one point and it has always failed. Sitting downwind from a bonfire is brutal, and nothing harshes your mellow more. Well, at least until your roasted golden marshmallow falls into the fire, that is.

7. Cheesy, blaring music: Without fail, warm weather means windows are rolled down and the loudest and corniest of pop music (insert cheesy dance or pop punk) pounds out of cruising cars. Yeah, we all know you love P. Diddy and have a kick-ass stereo, but I’ve got a ruptured ear drum and can’t hear myself think.

6. Burning hot car seats: After a few hours parked in the scorching sun, those ’luxe heated leather seats you opted for sear your legs. And when it’s time to get out of the car, you’re peeling and ripping your legs off the leather like a sticky bandage.

5. Empty propane tanks: Nothing kills a backyard party like running out of barbecue gas. Everyone’s several drinks deep, in no shape to drive and are growing increasingly ready to rip into a piece of meat. Besides those that like it blue, everyone else will be pointing fingers at you.

4. Mosquito bites: OK we get it. A mosquito’s only role on Earth is to suck blood and annoy the piss out of us. Why do mosquitoes announce their arrival with all the buzzing? Wouldn’t it be to their advantage to just land and get the job done? These are the questions I ponder as I scratch myself into a puddle of bloody skin.

3. Sunburns: Sure, a sunburn will usually turn into a nice, brown tan, but anyone who has experienced a severe burn — one that radiates heat, then bubbles, blisters and peels — will tell you it’s not worth the bronzed glow. Will you remember to lather up next time you’re in the sun? Of course you won’t.

2. Humidity: Mid-winter, when your lips are cracked like a dried-up lake, you wish for a wet reprieve. However, when mid-summer rains have turned the city into the Amazon jungle, and you’re gleaning with perspiration from merely watching TV, humidity has sucked any motivation right out of you.

1. Speedos: European board shorts, plum smugglers or banana hammocks — call them what you like, their visual offence is the biggest danger of summer. Unless you’re about to set a swimming world record, we don’t need to see your little nuggets in a tiny, but revealing, package.