The Incredible Hulk opens with a peculiar and perfunctory montage credit sequence. It assumes the Hulk is some sort of ubiquitous cultural figure that doesn’t need an origin (remember Ang Lee’s Hulk? No?), yet it creates a new one in the space of two minutes. Which is this: Dr. Bruce Banner (Edward Norton) is hired by the U.S. Army to conduct research into radiation sickness. Little does he know that General Ross (a lackadaisical William Hurt) actually has him working on creating a radioactive super soldier serum. Banner stupidly tries it out on himself, turns into the Hulk and destroys the lab — also putting his love (and the General’s daughter), Dr. Betsy Ross (Liv Tyler), in the hospital.
Banner knows that he’s a walking weapon and goes on the run, taking a job at a soda pop factory in Brazil. He meditates constantly, worried that a burst of rage will turn him into the Hulk. General Ross wants Banner back, and puts his army protegé, Emil Blonsky (Tim Roth), on his trail.
Then the Hulk appears, looking like Erik Estrada crossed with a giant, glossy avocado. He’s a slick, graceful beast and, with the exception of a few scenes, looks like a cartoon that’s accidentally stepped into reality. He bounces and prances around like one of the Mario Brothers, crushing tanks and delicately wiping tears.
Banner returns to the U.S., looking for a cure and to hook back up with Betsy. She’s all like, “I love you — let’s have sex!” But he can’t — if his heart races, he turns into the Hulk. (Also, there is the danger of an irradiated uterus and baby Hulks.) They go on the run together, hoping to contact “Mr. Blue,” a mysterious scientist who claims he can cure Banner’s gamma-blasted body.
During all of this, General Ross has been pumping Blonsky with a newer, improved super soldier serum in order to take on the Hulk. Unfortunately, this works about as well as it did the first time and Blonsky metamorphoses into the Abomination, a spiny dinosaur-like monster. Mayhem ensues.
The two creatures face off in an extended punch-out that looks like a video game smeared with mud. At one point, it’s nearly impossible to tell what’s going on. And who cares? This kind of thing works in a comic, where you can get as outlandish as you want, but in a big action movie, it’s the visual equivalent of someone banging two rocks together. The Incredible Hulk isn’t awful, just artless. Hulk smash, movie dumb.
